neornithes

Rise and shine, rise and shine, little birdies!

Happy Monday to all! The best day of the week, am I right? Ahaha! Today's the 9th, and it's actually pretty damn nice outside! Lucky you!

I gotta tell you guys... I should be keepin' my mouth shut, but some serious stuff is gonna go down tomorrow. Ya better get yourselves ready for the worst! Or the best -- who knows with these broads runnin' the place. Makes a man miss his Warden, hahaha!

That's about it, kiddies. Don't forget to get your discount hand sanitizer, 75% off!

Irving out!

[ The announcement is early this morning. It sounds like today Irving is back at the mic. ]

Gooooooood morning, my darling starlings!

Let's cut to the important stuff before the usual today, shall we? All o' youse heard the big announcement about Warden and Second, so I ain't got much to explain but one tiny detail. Being as I'm now the most... experienced member of staff around, from now on I've got double the duties! I've got some lovely ladies to help me out, but you might not hear from Uncle Irving as much as you used to. I know, a travesty. But I'm just doin' whats best for all of us!

With that outta the way, today is the 30th of January, on an icy Wednesday morning! If you head on outside, don't forget your ice skates, which are now 60% off!

You kiddies have a good one! Don't cause too much trouble, ya hear? Irving out!

[ The intercom turns on at 7:01 AM. ]

Gooooooood morning, my beautiful boobys! It's January 17th, a lovely Friday! Looks like the good old reliable President was right on the money: today the snow is back in black! Or... y'know, white! Hahaha!

Speakin' of the President, it sure does seem like she and the Warden have been havin' all the fun lately -- totally unfair, right? That's why I've taken this golden opportunity to tell youse all some great news: just in time before the lot of you run out of candy, we'll be hostin' on hell of an event bright and early tomorrow morning! I know, I know. You're excited, right?! Just don't run out of energy before the big day even arrives!

Catch you birdies on the flipside! Irving out!

[ The cell doors open. ]

[ At about 7:30 AM, the intercom turns on. Why Irving's mastery of being on time is slowly slipping away is a mystery that may never be solved. ]

Mornin', mornin'! I hope this announcement ain't too loud -- wouldn't wanna wake the dead, haha! Let's keep things short n' sweet today, shall we? It's Sunday the 12th of January, and luckily for all my little warblers, it's a beautiful sunny day outside! Gotta love it when even nature celebrates, y'know? Ahaha!

Right, movin' on to the good stuff. For any of youse with a sweet tooth or might just wanna eat your troubles away, all candy in the gift shop is 70% off for today only! Don't get any cavities now, kiddies!

And with that, Irving out!

[ The cell doors slide open. ]

[ At 7:00 AM, the intercom comes to life in its usual broadcast across Deadman Wonderland. ]

Hello and good morning to all my little peacocks! Today is January 4th, a beautiful Saturday! That's what they call a joke, friends. Any of you actually looked outside today? It's awful out there! Hope you lovelies like storm clouds!

I'm sure there's talk of what the Warden's up to, but too bad for the lot of you Uncle Irving can't share any of his secrets. Maybe next time, eh?! Bahahaha! Irving out!

[ The cell doors slide open. ]

[at about... 6:50 am, the intercom sounds on. they're a little early, possibly due to a certain individual being quite eager to get started.]

Rise and shine my little cockatoos! Guess what day it is? December 29th! I bet youse are all gettin' excited for that party, right? Haha!

[then someone next to him clears their throat. oh yes, it's the warden.]

Now now, Ricardo, I think we have other things we want to address here, yes? [there's a 'nyeeehhh' from him at her words. whatever... that meant.]

Yes my lovelies, the party is approaching swiftly! However, that being said... I think you all wanted to know what happened to quite a few residents here lately, isn't that right? [she laughs.]

I have the list right here, in fact! See, I think that you all... had become a little too accustomed with things. Yes, there was that whole riot... and there needs to be at least a little bit of punishment for that, hm? Those that were killed in the Battle Royale, and those that I thought needed to be taken care of... they won't be revived. Here are the list of names:

-Ange Ushiromiya
-Rise Kujikawa
-Jack Harkness
-Castiel
-David Dean
-Babydoll
-Lydia Carlton
-Edgar Ashenbert

That is all!

[take it away irving.]

On that, uh, lovely note... stay safe, kiddos!

[the doors open and starts a new day here in deadman wonderland.]

[ At 6:57 AM the intercom turned on. Somehow Irving managed to be early instead of late. ]

Good mornin' one and all!

Guess what, kiddies? Only three days til Christmas! That makes today the 22nd of December for those who can't work out basic mathematics. Haha! This current time is 6:57 AM, and it looks like the snow is back on! Will we have a white Christmas this year, folks? How charmin' would that be!?

As much as I'd love to reward youse all with some special treat as I always do, I've been given strict instructions from the head lady herself to keep the lot of ya in corner for time out. If only you guys had behaved better, eh? Ahahaha!

Irving out!

[ The cell doors slide open and the inmates are free to leave. ]

[it's..... actually, the intercom this time doesn't come on until about noon. inmates might be wondering just what's going on. they aren't allowed to leave their cells until noon hits. that being said, inmates are free to make calls, shout out to the networks, or just try and yell while in their cells until finally they hear a voice.]

Heeeeeyyyyyy! Hey hey!! Sssoo..... you inmaaaates.....~!

[....is second.... drunk?! why yes he is.]

I didn't even fuckin' realize but.... i-it's.... shit... [he pauses.] ....it's so close to Christmas! Holiday cheeeeer and all that! Either way, the Warden stepped out for the day, leavin' me in all mighty charge, and guess what! I'm taking the day off to just relax and drink everything she has in here!

[there's some shuffling around, the sound of boots being placed up on a desk.] Bitch finally let me in tha goddamn control room... I could do anything I want in here. But uh.... right, I should stay on track here.

[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT in an overly dramatic way.] Saaaluuuuutaaations! It's currently.... uh.... wow s'that really the time....? Uh! It's currently 12:06 PM, it's a Friday, December 20th to be exact! You all are probably hungry and want out, huh? Well I dunno- I kinda like having all you fucks locked up and unable to do shit all. Huhahaha!

[oh wait- there's another guy barging into the control room. it sounds like irving, it totally is irving. he's squealing in that brooklyn drawl, getting at second for not doing what he should be flippin' doing!]

...Oh right... you're here. Fuck. Well whaaatever!

[the intercom is shut off suddenly, the the cell doors finally slide open.]

[ When the clock strikes 7:00 AM, there is an eery silence. The intercom switches to life, but there is no voice to accompany it. It blasts rhythmic static for at least five minutes before a sound is heard in the background and the sudden grating voice of Ricardo Irving can be heard throughout Deadman Wonderland. ]

Ladies and gentlemen, do excuse this morning's delay! We had, uh, a few technical difficulties! But not to worry, I got it all taken care of. What would all of youse do without me around here? I know you're listenin', Warden! Where's my promotion already? Ahaha!

Right, right, the news. I know you all wet your jimmies every mornin' waiting for what we have to say, so have at it: today we're clockin' in at 7:06 AM on a dreary Wednesday. We still got a pile of snow out there, so it looks like none of youse will be enjoyin' the great outdoors anytime soon! In case any of youse of lesser intelligence forgot the day, it's December 10th!

Now, I've had my ear to the wall and have to say I'm more than thrilled that so many of ya took advantage of my generous discount offer. Chatter is what I like to hear, folks, and I've been hearin' plenty! Now, it may not be my place to be givin' out secrets, but for all of youse worryin' about CP and what's gonna be goin' on around here... let's just say our dear Warden is cookin' up somethin' absolutely graaaaaand! Hahaha!

[ The intercom abruptly shuts off, and the cell doors slide open. ]